2018-01-26 17:23:17 UTC
For all the salacious details of the alleged affair between Donald Trump and
adult film actor Stormy Danielsand there are a lottheres one aspect that
arguably renders the whole thing not worth discussing: It requires you to think
about Donald Trump naked. One bleach cocktail, please.
If youd like a quick refresher, or if youve just stumbled out of the Badlands
after a two-week acid trip and are being slowly reintroduced to society, the
story has a fairly simple basis. On January 12, The Wall Street Journal reported
that the Trump campaign had paid $130,000 in hush money to Daniels (real name
Stephanie Clifford) to cover up an affair between her and the president. This
money was paid out one month before the election, and the affair itself began
sometime following the pairs initial meeting in 2006, i.e. a year or so after
Trump married Melania.
And now Jimmy Kimmel, of all people, is set to capitalize on the scandal. Maybe
shes just a fan of Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, but whatever the reason,
Daniels has agreed to appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Tuesday, January 30the
night of Trumps very first State Of The Union address. Kimmel announced the
news via tweet, perhaps because those are the only things we can be sure Donald
Trump actually reads.
Obviously, this could be a tremendous letdown of an interview. Daniels lawyer
supplied a letter purportedly signed by her which denies the affair, which is
exactly what someone who got paid a shitload of money to keep things quiet is
supposed to do. Too bad for both sides that the Journal, not exactly a paragon
of liberal propaganda, appears pretty confident in its reporting. Oh, and the
more than 5,000-word transcript from an interview Daniels reportedly gave to In
Touch about the affair back in 2011 doesnt help mattersan interview in which
she also testifies to Trumps pathological fear of sharks, probably stemming
from the nightmarish realization that hes not the only cold-blooded douchebag
up all night trolling for chum.
Still, despite what a colossal feeling of schadenfreude this generates in anyone
with a general ability to see the rambling megalomania emanating like cartoon
stink lines from the White House, the joke may be on us in the long run if it
requires us to spend even one iota more of time imagining the presidents
wheezing, sweaty body doing the one thing weve watched him do time and again in
every conceivable situation: failing to satisfy anyone.