2019-08-02 16:29:13 UTC
Somewhere past the Sunset Strip, a horde of lawyers are furiously negotiating on
behalf of their high-profile diva clients. The demands are high: specific
lighting, carefully counted lines and scenes, and even producers on stand-by
whose sole job is to pamper and grease the squabbling stars. Typical men!
According to a new report in the Wall Street Journal, the many buff baldies who
populate the extended Fast & Furious universe have developed an on-set ecosystem
designed to ensure they stay looking virile and sweaty. The patriarch of the
franchise, Vin Diesel, allegedly hires his sister to count the times his body
connects with his enemies, per WSJ. Each brush of their skin is assigned a
numerical value that is tallied and adjusted.
Jason Statham reportedly has a legally binding contract stipulating how many
beatdowns he can take. The Rock, meanwhile, demanded that he not be filmed on
his back for Fate of the Furious lest the people of America view him as fragile.
(Since he once described Vin Diesel as a candy ass, Im thinking he might have
A climate of strife has plagued the Car Movie franchise for years. Reports of
on-set disagreements first surfaced in 2016, when Johnson referred to some
co-stars as chicken shits. Things were later patched up, and press for the
movie shifted focus to Johnson and Diesels brotherhood, with the latter
claiming Johnson is known as Uncle Dwayne amongst his kids. Shortly after
Hobbs & Shaw was announced in September 2017, Tyrese accused Johnson of making
the Fast and Furious franchise about you!
If you move forward with that #Hobbs Movie you will have purposely ignored the
heart to heart moment we had in my sprinter...Im on your timeline cause youre
not responding to my text messages #FastFamily is just that a family .. We
dont fly solo.
The sprinter at the heart of this story was never found.
Interestingly, The Hollywood Reporter did an interview with Chris Morgana
writer on the franchiseahead of WSJs report. In it, the mind behind Hobbs &
Shaw spoke about the relationship between Diesel and Johnson:
I dont think theres a feud per se. I know theres a lot of reports and
stories and stuff like that, but theyre both nice, mature guys, and theyre
also businessmen. I dont think it has a major effect on the Fast franchise. The
characters will continue to weave in and out.
Whatever you say, Chris! While there are many unanswered questions in the wake
of the allegations against the many meatheads in orbit around the Car Movie
Universe, I have to ask: How has a crew member not slipped and seriously injured
themselves on all that muscle grease?